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Brandon King / Red Dirt Report
A create-your-own pizza, brownie and a Buffalo Chicken pizza.
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Yukon is not known for its variety of food options. If the choices aren’t fried chicken, chain fast food joints or barbecue, one would be pressed to drive somewhere else.

When I heard about a new pizzeria, Pie Five, opening up in Yukon, I believed that Cici’s and Hideaway Pizza were going to have some competition.

Instead, I was introduced to Cici’s in better clothing and with a fancier name.

Pie Five, a new pizzeria in Yukon. (Brandon King / Red Dirt Report) 

My date and I went to Pie Five, 2121 S Yukon Pkwy., one evening and arrived at the front of the store a little after 7 p.m. The parking lot and restaurant were completely empty. Truth be told, we believed it to be closed.

I walked in and asked if the place was open. The teenage employees were sitting on the side of the restaurant either playing on their phones or staring daggers at me for disturbing their quiet night.

It was clear that I wasn’t allowed to be there.

A young woman with gloves on was behind the counter taking trays or meat and cheeses off to deep clean the countertop. When I asked if the place was open, she said, “I mean, yeah, but we’re kind of deep cleaning right now. As you can see, it’s in desperate need of it. But you can sit wherever.”

Her finger pointed to a countertop covered in burnt condiments and what looked to be old pizza toppings being stored by cellophane. Needless to say, we left for a Mexican restaurant instead. 

The following night we pulled into a semi-open parking lot. I could see multiple families attempting to wrangle their children towards the tables. To the right of the building was a small, confined area with five tables clustered together around a hanging television and unlit fireplace.

If it weren’t for the bitter air, I would have rather sat outside than sit in the open playroom that was the dining area.

We walked inside and we fell in line to the left of the building. Grey walls were decorated with an assortment of random photos including a bulldog and a young woman holding an umbrella. It was as though a builder tried to think of the most fun, yet safe, photos he could find on the market and plastered them to the walls.

As we waited in line, we looked at a small menu to find what we wanted before we made our way to the counter.

A double-sided one-page menu was what we were given to choose from. One of the more appealing aspects of Pie Five is their choice of bundles to save money on the price of a meal.

For $9.99, someone could get pizza, dessert and a drink.

An extra dollar, someone could get a pizza, a side salad of either Caesar, Garden, or a Classic Italian, and a drink. One more dollar and someone could get a pizza, a bundle of breadsticks, and a drink. And yes, the menu thought it could be edgy by calling the breadsticks “breadstix.” Because nothing says, “I’m hip and with the times like misspelling a commonly known item on a menu.

The choice of pizzas sounded interesting enough at first glance. A regular pepperoni and cheese would be sufficient but Pie Five wanted to compete with other pizzerias. A list of specialty pizzas was followed by a create-your-own pie with a choice of four different crusts: Pan style, Classic Italian, Gluten-Free and Crispy Thin.

However, where the choices are boundless, the quality is boundlessly bad.

Much like a Qdoba or a Cici’s Pizza, the style of the kitchen is open to the public. This is reassuring for both the staff and the patrons to see the food being made from scratch and onto the pan.

Pie Five dessert offerings. (Brandon King / Red Dirt Report) 

When it comes to serving sizes, the standard is 11 inches for an individual pizza. When someone wanted to order a larger size, this caused a disturbance behind the counter. The teenage employees looked unsure and gathered together to figure out the best course of action.

We made it to the counter and I ordered a buffalo chicken pizza with the $9.99 dessert bundle.

The buffalo chicken pizza is an 11-inch pizza with grilled chicken, banana peppers with cheddar and buffalo ranch sauce. While the employee was making my pizza, I couldn’t help but notice the lack of toppings they put on my pizza.

When it comes to food, I’m not a snob. That being said, there were about four thinly sliced banana peppers, a fistful and a half of cheese which was scraped from the bottom of a metal tin, and enough chicken to make you wish for more.

It went into the oven and my date ordered her create-your-own pizza. This pizza was decorated with four thinly sliced pepperonis, a copious amount of feta cheese, wet minced garlic and some bacon bits. To say that the sauce was drizzled onto the dough would be a misrepresentation.

The better way to describe it would be to call it drenching the dough. When the sauce has more water than the sweat pouring off the brow of the employee, this is not a great sign.

I was moved down the line and was asked to choose my dessert. Out of a list of four desserts, I chose the turtle brownie. The woman behind the counter bit her lip and said, “Erm, yeah, we don’t sell that anymore.”

I told her that it was okay and I’ll take the brownie. In front of me was a plate of brownies topped with chocolate drizzle and chocolate chips. The display was so perfect, so plastic that I figured they would grab the brownie from the back of the house.

Again, I was wrong.

My pizza came out of the oven and I believed this pizza was going to be delicious. The smell of the roasted chicken and banana peppers makes my mouth water, even now. 

My date, however, was not so fortunate.

As her pizza came out of the oven, the employee glanced at the massive bubble the pizza had formed in the middle. After a manager, dressed in street clothes, whispered in his ear, he put the pizza in the trash. Quickly, the boy went to the beginning of the line and made the pizza from scratch.

Ten minutes later, we purchased our meal for a little over $20.

Over on the right side of the building was a condiment section next to one of the new soda dispensers. It’s the type of dispenser which a person has more choices than a regular soda fountain.

On this night, almost everything was out. Where normally people could have over thirty choices of drinks, people were limited to the following: water, root beer, Hi-C, and iced tea.

While people struggled to grasp that they wouldn’t be getting a Coke, I found myself looking at the condiment section. Not only did they provide pepper flakes and powdered parmesan, they also offered Louisiana hot sauce, Cholula, and Sriracha.

After getting everything we need, we noticed something which troubled us more than anything: there was not a clean table in sight. Out of fifteen or more tables, they were either occupied by people or trash.

In this mall food court show of style, we grabbed a handful of napkins and wiped the table off ourselves. For the hour we were there, not a table was bussed or cleaned.

To provide proof, there was a table next to ours which had a little girls winter hat lying on it. It never moved while we were there.

Pie Five patrons. (Brandon King / Red Dirt Report) 

The two of us sat down to enjoy our meal. Each of us attempted to pick up a slice only to realize that what we were given was a barely cut piece of dough with cheese, sauce and toppings.

We would have grabbed forks and knives but Pie Five was out of knives. So, like cavemen taking down a mammoth, we ate our pizzas with a forks edge and techniques so that nothing would fall off the pizza.

Spoiler alert: it almost always did.

Our pizzas were finished and our stomachs gurgled hatred at us.

A slice of brownie still sat between us. With a grimace, we each took a bite. Immediately, we put our forks down. It had the texture of an old, chewed up Hubba Bubba bubble gum and baking powder.

Show me someone who can claim this to be freshly made and I’ll show you a liar.

We put our trays away and was about to leave when my date asked to use the restroom. She left the bathroom and showed me photos of the bathroom and what was found was dirt and an overall mess.

As we headed home, both of us couldn’t help but acknowledge the fact that our stomachs were twisting and turning in pain. By the end of the night, all I promised myself was that I would never return to Pie Five.

In a world full of pizzerias, I happened to walk into the worst one of the bunch.

If you’re expecting Pie Five to be a staple of Yukon, I wouldn’t expect it to be a paperclip hanging off of a run-down Denny’s. Though it only opened a few months ago, if you listen closely, you can hear the death rattles of Pie Five echo throughout Yukon.

If you’re looking for an over-priced mediocre pizza and an overall terrible time, then go on down to Pie Five. 

Pie Five
2121 S Yukon Pkwy, Ste 100
Yukon, OK 73099
Phone: (405) 265-2088

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About the Author

Brandon King

Brandon King is a journalism student at OCCC, working towards becoming a professional writer....

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About Red Dirt Report

Red Dirt Report was launched July 4, 2007 as an independent news website covering all manner of news, culture, entertainment and lifestyle stories that affect and interest Oklahoma readers and readers outside of our state. Our mission is to educate, promote civic engagement and discourse on public policy, government and politics. Our experienced journalists provided balanced in-depth coverage of news stories that affect Oklahomans. Our opinion/editorial stories come from a wide range of political view points. We carry out our mission by reporting, writing, and posting news and information. read more

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