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FAIL OF TEARS: Five future career choices for Christina Fallin

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Its high time Christina jumps on this bandwagon—I’m actually surprised she already hasn’t—with her own brand of cheap rotgut, Firewater!
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A satirical commentary by Louis Fowler

OKLAHOMA CITY - Boy, we sure haven’t heard much from Christina Fallin lately, have we?

While I’m pretty positive that it was part of her handlers’ game plan to lay low until things blow over and this whole racist cultural appropriation debacle is forgotten about—which, in regards to the white and “pretendian” communities, has worked like a charm—many Native American activists and groups are keeping a watch on her, waiting for the next concert or public appearance to stage a boycott and protest.

Sorry, Christina, but the revolution won’t be So6ixed.

With so many eyes on Christina and her next move, it might be just damn near impossible for a shocking-white, pink-haired, wedding dress-wearing, Casio-toting banshee to remain inconspicuous. That’s why I say instead of hiding who and what you are, Christina, accept it. There’s far more dollars in selling out to the cauc-ocracy than there is in pretending like it never happened.

So, if I may, let me act as your guidance counselor of sorts and advise you about a handful of occupations that I think you would be absolutely perfect for, no ceremonial Native American headdress needed.

Not that that’s stopped you before.

MINUTEMAN PROJECT VOLUNTEER

Mexicans. Who needs ‘em? Not Christina Fallin, unless it’s to clean her bedroom at the Governor’s Mansion, of course.

Let’s not mince words: these bean-poppin’ bums don’t buy electro-music mostly due to the lack of accordions and tubas and foam-machines. They’re always asking her for one of her Parliaments everytime she’s chilling on the patio at the Mule. And, worst of all, they’re gross and ugly and smelly and should only be used as cheap labor in heavy-handed Flaming Lips videos.

It’s up to beautiful white American heroes like Christina Fallin to stop this refried menace at the root of the problem: the border. With her hip, I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude and a fashion sense that can make even the most militaristic outfit look mucho fabulous, girl has got it going on with no wetback ever going over.

And, if that’s not enough, just think of what a great fashion spread it would make! I can see it now: Haute Mojado! Maybe even invite Josh Sallee to the photoshoot for some extra hip-honky flair!

ROTGUT LIQUOR IMPRESARIO

Home-made beers and bourbons—it’s all the rage among today’s youth who feel the need to Instagram every beverage they imbibe as if to appear culturally adventurous when in reality they’re far too terrified to cross Reno Ave. after 3 p.m. (Try that shit at Chucho’s Bar on South Robinson, pendejos!)

Its high time Christina jumps on this bandwagon—I’m actually surprised she already hasn’t—with her own brand of cheap rotgut, Firewater! Not only is it welfare cheap, but it’ll have any Injun “Fallin’” on their ass in only three or four mighty powerful swigs. That’s the Christina Fallin guarantee! Just ask any dude that’s been married to her.

However, I have a feeling that the reservation-only marketing approach might backfire for her, as many of her hipster hanger-ons will more than likely appropriate it into numerous irony-laden mixed drink specials. Look out tall-boy cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon! Overpriced gastropubs and pseudo-dive bars alike will have a new form of “Common People”-esque poverty tourism to unload on you, and at a third the price!

WHITE NATIONALIST PUNK ROCK GROUPIE

Unless your name is Yoko Ono, banging a musician doesn’t make you a musician. If that were true, my debut single “Get All Up in This” featuring 3/4ths of PC Quest would’ve hit the top of the pops and I wouldn’t have to freelance for scraps around town. Too bad talent isn’t a sexually transmitted disease.

But tell that to Christina and all those Pink Pony albums that no one even bothered to snatch from the free giveaway pile located by the check-out counter of most record stores to resell at Vintage Stock. Electro-music—which let’s face it, isn’t real music—is less about talent and more about buying clothing off Etsy on speed binges and snapping selfies at Kamp’s on a Wednesday night.

Maybe it was this self-realization that forced Pink Pony to do what they did. Maybe it was a cry for help. Or, maybe it was a dog-whistle. With the Metro having a very vibrant punk scene, the one thing we’re missing is a really good White Power band. It’s about time OKC had a Doc Martin-strapped, rompin’ stompin’, speak English or die skinhead outfit to rally around.

Christina could test the (white and pure) waters by dedicating herself and any anti-melting pot ideals she might have by becoming a groupie for notorious British nationalist bands like Skullhead,  Macht und Ehre or even the legendary Skrewdriver. She could totes help them write new anthems like “Let’s Take Back Mesta Park” and “Burn the American Indian Cultural Center & Museum Down to the Ground.”

CONSERVATIVE DEFENDER OF LIBERTY

“Sorry, but the Indians lost this country fair and square! They should just get over it! I got 99 problems, but a headdress ain’t one!”

Tens of tens of comments like this were posted on Pink Pony’s page in support of Christina’s right to fashionably desecrate an entire culture and urinate on the woefully beautiful ashes, many from other local musicians, established artists and hipster business owners that might as well have a sign over their door that reads “WHITES ONLY.”

Looks like I’ll have to get my overpriced French fries somewhere else now.

But, really, who knew that OKC’s oh-so beautiful and accepting and liberal indie-underground was so secretly entrenched in the battle for keeping Conservative American values in power? And that Christina could be leading it, just like mom does for their parents.

Apparently the apple doesn’t fall too far from the bitch.

Look: she’s an American, dammit, and that grants her the white man’s burden of teaching these noble savages to acclimate and integrate, even if she has to read an issue of So6ix Magazine to each and every one of them herself. But, sadly, some of these mongrels want to fight back and retain their own “culture” and “history” and it’s then when she’ll take action and shove the American flag so far in their ass they’ll rename it the “Dream Act.”

On the plus side, it would really give KTOK’s Lee Matthews a much-needed rise in his Low-T scores. Guns and ammo for everyone, indeed!

STAR OF BABY VERONICA: THE MOVIE

When Mary Fallin goes to sleep at night, I have to wonder if she is able to pleasure herself, without remorse, knowing that she tore a Native American family apart. Does she take sexual comfort in knowing that an indigenous father, wanting to raise his daughter in the ways of his culture, has had his heart ripped out and his baby girl was sold off to a mayonnaise plantation somewhere in South Carolina?

It’s a pain that not only would our beloved Governor never have to face, but one that maybe she can use to her advantage by creating the Christina Fallin Film Rebate Program where, if a filmmaker comes to Oklahoma to shoot a movie, just cast Christina in the lead role and get 90% of your budget back.

First out of the pipeline? Baby Veronica: The Movie! Be sure to keep the Kleenex handy as Christina delivers a tour de force performance as Veronica, a toddler raised by Godless Native  heathens with one purpose: to scalp as many white men as possible! It’s not until downhome frontier freedom fighter Gov. Mary Fallin (a mesmerizing Paula Deen) rescues Veronica from a bloodthirsty cougar, interrupting a bizarre coming of age ritual, and thusly introducing young Veronica into proper white society.

With an estimated budget of $200 million dollars, we’ll have to cut back on most Native American “entitlement” programs to fund it, but that’s okay. They’d probably just spend it on Christina Fallin brand Firewater anyway.

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About the Author

Louis Fowler

Güicho. Gadfly. Chicano. Choctaw. Cristero. Freelancer. Leftist. Activist. Vilified. PKD....

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Red Dirt Report was launched July 4, 2007 as an independent news website covering all manner of news, culture, entertainment and lifestyle stories that affect and interest Oklahoma readers and readers outside of our state. Our mission is to educate, promote civic engagement and discourse on public policy, government and politics. Our experienced journalists provided balanced in-depth coverage of news stories that affect Oklahomans. Our opinion/editorial stories come from a wide range of political view points. We carry out our mission by reporting, writing, and posting news and information. read more

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